Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: September 9, 2022
Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My wife and I think it’s very important to introduce our infant to people and places to help her acclimate and adapt. She does pretty well considering how young she is, but she continues to struggle with our one loud uncle. Every time we bring her around him, he tries to engage her in his booming voice which causes her to cry. Although I appreciate how much he’s trying to win her over, I feel the volume at which he speaks to her would make the world of difference. How do I talk to him about softer speech without offending him?
-Tiptoeing
Hi Tiptoeing,
Your experience reminds me of how little kids can be afraid of Santa Claus. Why? Because here’s this jolly man with a big, booming voice and stark white beard, which for many children aren’t things they’ve experienced before. Cue the fear and tears. So I can understand why your infant daughter might be having a hard time with a deeper, louder voice, especially in contrast to the higher pitched baby talk so many of us naturally drop into when talking to babies. It sounds like your uncle is motivated to have a positive relationship with your daughter so sharing your theory about trying a softer voice might be well received by him. No one wants a baby to cry every time they try to interact, right? Start the conversation by acknowledging his efforts and name how you too want him to have a quality relationship with her. Then offer the suggestion of trying to engage in a softer voice and see how it goes. Can you hold your daughter when he says hello, reassuring her with your body and voice that he’s a safe person to engage? Try some experiments with proximity, voice volume, and location such as being in her safe places (your arms, your house, etc) rather than being out and about. This way you can control other stimuli that might be getting in the way of their bonding, like other loud noises, unfamiliar smells, and bright lights which might also be contributing to her agitation.
Hi Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My friend continues to wear perfume around my son, even though I’ve asked her not to. My reasoning is that he’s demonstrated in several situations that he’s sensitive to smells, including perfume, candles, and strong cleaners that make him sneeze, fuss, and cause his eyes to water. So in an effort to avoid his discomfort, I’ve taken to asking family and friends to forgo perfumes and lotions when they visit. My friend is not taking this in stride the way I hoped. How do I bring this up again without sounding like I’m being neurotic or unfair?
-Less is More
Hi Less,
I can tell you have your son’s best interest at heart. Has your friend given any reasoning for continuing to wear perfume? If it appears that she’s being absent-minded about it, you might want to meet with her later in the day when the fragrances have dissipated versus first thing in the morning when most people apply lotion or spritz perfume. If that doesn’t work, you could try to move play dates outside so that her perfume isn’t as concentrated as an indoor space. Lastly, you might take to bathing your son or washing his face, hands, and hair after a visit to remove any lingering smells that have clung to his skin, including changing his clothes. Although it’s uncomfortable, I encourage you to keep trying to communicate what your son needs to your friend. The hope is that she will get the message more clearly in hearing it another time, honoring your wishes in respect of your friendship and your son.
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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.
