Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: September 2, 2022

Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,

I’m a stressed out mama. My baby decided he didn’t want to drink from a bottle at 6 weeks old and it’s been trying on him, myself, and his dad. Trying is an understatement. I can admit to you that it’s ended in tears for all of us, even though other parents reassure me that they’ve had similar experiences. The common message is that he will change his mind and take a bottle again, eventually. To keep trying. My parents ask weekly about our progress in getting him to take a bottle because they want to bond with him in this way too. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all and feel like a failure that we haven’t turned things around. What should I do?

-Tired And Trying

Hi Tired,

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have your son stop taking a bottle with no real explanation. Not to mention how disruptive it can be for parents who may be trying to return to work. It sounds like you know your parents are asking about your progress from a supportive place, and yet it’s adding to your feelings of failure. Have you expressed how emotionally taxing the bottle feeding attempts have been? One recommendation I’ve heard in various parenting circles is to have the mom exit the house completely while someone else is trying to feed the baby by bottle. Is this something your parents can assist with? It might be easier on you and your spouse if other trusted family members can give it a try. If your son continues to refuse the bottle, they will be able to witness this dynamic firsthand in trying to feed him too. And hopefully they will respond with compassion if his ongoing refusal ends in crying and distress, as that’s hard on everyone. It may very well be that the best response is to keep trying, but make sure to communicate your boundaries on what that needs to look like. It may not be every day that you try because of how difficult it can be. It may be that you want them to stop asking, knowing that you will provide updates if you want to and as you have them. Don’t let feelings of failure take you by force. If your son continues to refuse the bottle and will breastfeed regularly in the meantime, that’s still a victory! He is getting proper nutrition from you. You might also find yourself inspired to have a Plan B, like moving straight to a sippy cup and some solids in the 4–6 month age range with your pediatrician’s blessing. All options are worth considering and I hope you will feel inspired to communicate your needs from your parents as you navigate this challenging time.

Hi Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,

I’m struggling to have patience with my boyfriend. Every time the baby cries, he asks her what’s wrong. She can’t answer him at this age and it prolongs her crying. I’ve communicated how he can go through the top possibilities for her cries, including seeing if she has a wet diaper, needs to burp, is hungry, or is tired and needs a nap. But instead he sits her on his lap and asks this question, which only makes her more agitated in not getting her needs met. Which of course agitates me. How can I get him to follow through on this simple mental checklist to help her regulate? I feel I’m one crying fit away from cussing him out because in the end, I’m the one who has to either remind him to check these things or I have to do it myself. How can I make this easier on all of us?

-Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

I hear your frustration! It sounds like you are on the brink of communicating from stress or anger, which is risky in that it might make him shut down or give up trying to help with the baby’s routines. Your feelings are valid and I wonder what other communication styles are worth trying with your boyfriend? Would it be helpful to have the checklist visible for him to run through, keeping it in any area where he might be tending to the baby? Are you interested in some of the apps out there that record baby’s daily routines, including times she last had a dirty diaper, ate, or slept? This idea might help you in not having to repeat yourself and it can empower him to take a glance at how long it’s been since the baby’s last diaper/feeding/nap to see how he wants to proceed. Either way, it’s worth sitting down with him when you are both free of distractions to share how him running through the checklist really helps regulate both the baby and yourself. Once he hears how helpful this process is for you, he might be that much more motivated to jump to action next time baby girl cries.

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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.