Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: October 14, 2022
Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
I’m a new mama and can’t shake my grief about my birth story. I had a plan to give birth vaginally and this didn’t happen because of my age and other factors. I know logically a cesarean was what the doctor felt was best, but I keep wondering if I had fought harder, would I have had the birth I wanted? How do I heal from this?
-Uncertain Mama
Hi Uncertain,
I’m so sorry you didn’t get to experience the birth story you had hoped for. I know there are many women who can relate to your vulnerable post as we all wish for a meaningful, beautiful experience in birth. Talking about your experience with people you trust or a compassionate professional can help. How can you honor your body now in recognizing you weren’t able to give birth the way you wished? Are there things that make you appreciate your body now, recognizing its strength and resilience after pregnancy? When you see your child, how do you feel towards them? Can there be gratitude that you and your child are healthy because of the c-section or in spite of it? There is no timeline for grief so be sure to give yourself permission to feel all the feelings about your labor and delivery. You will heal from this in time. Practicing self-compassion in this moment can help you remain gentle towards yourself as you grow towards your identity as a new mom.
Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My spouse keeps asking when the baby is moving into the nursery to sleep. I know it’s because he wants better quality sleep in not waking up to her feeding or her sleep noises throughout the night, but I’m not ready to have her so far away from me. I don’t want him to make me choose between him and her. How do I share that the thought of her being in another room is adding to my anxiety?
-Not Ready
Hi Not Ready,
Your anxiety response is natural and indicates the quality bond you’ve created with your baby. How long has she been in your bedroom? Lots of professionals recommend a baby sleeping in their parent’s room six months to one year old. Was there a goal you discussed with your spouse around the transition time? Does it need to be revisited because you aren’t feeling ready? What would need to happen for you to feel more ready and less anxious? Having some clear ideas of what needs to happen for you to feel more comfortable can keep the conversation with your spouse productive in looking for solutions. Is he willing to sleep elsewhere for awhile if his sleep is suffering? Although not expected, lots of modern couples are exploring different sleep options to support functioning, especially if one parent has to get up early for work or has a job where focus and attention are essential. Keeping an open mind to these possibilities can hopefully serve both you and your spouse in identifying a healthy compromise.
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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.
