Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: July 29, 2022

Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,

My spouse read the book “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids,” which really meant a lot to me as we prepared for our first baby. One of the things he emphasized from the book was asking for help if I needed it, and to not hesitate to ask for help to avoid conflict or resentment from brewing between us. As a driven woman, I struggle to ask for help normally but I knew that if it came up with our new baby, I would do my best to speak up. In the first week of my spouse going back to work, I was having a hard time. The baby was spitting up what felt like constantly, I’d barely had a moment to pee, and I could feel myself coming unraveled by the second. So when he asked how it was going, I tearfully asked if he could give me a break (he works from home). He did it, but then proceeded to tell me several times that night how he couldn’t just walk away from work any time he felt like it, and that it couldn’t become a habit. As you can imagine, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. I felt hurt and shamed for asking for help, even though I know that wasn’t his intention. How do I talk to him about this, knowing there will come a time where I need a break again?

-Uncomfortable

Hi Uncomfortable,

I’m sorry to hear that your first experience asking for help after baby didn’t feel as supportive as we could have hoped. From what you’ve shared, I get the impression there is a chance that your spouse is open to feedback in going so far as to read up on strategies that support couples who have children together. Is it a worthwhile strategy to bring up concepts from the book to illustrate the point you want to get across? As you reflect on this first experience, is there a way it could have gone differently that would have benefited you both? One element I’m hearing is a buildup of overwhelm for you that might have felt more intense in it resulting in tears. I wonder if your spouse’s attempt at boundaries was in response to your tears more than your words. Asking for help earlier in your difficult day could have included setting a time frame before you felt yourself unraveling. What warning signs could you tune into in yourself to advocate for a planned break that helps you get your needs met without your spouse feeling like he has to stop what he’s doing abruptly? However you decide to go about it, I do hope you will continue to allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help. You do not have to do this alone!

Hi Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,

My baby’s daddy is acting strangely. Rather than spending time with our infant, it seems like he’s always adding to his to-do list around the house. Instead of engaging in quality time with us on weekends, he’s working in the garage or mowing the lawn. I get that we have things that need to be done around the house, but every weekend? I’m beginning to feel angry towards him for not spending time with our son or expecting me to parent all weekend alone. What should I do?

-Miserable Mommy

Hi Miserable,

Spending your weekends as a solo parent sounds isolating and lonely. Is it possible that your anger is hiding feelings such as these? It’s important to speak up, although delivering details in anger is harder to hear by our partner or significant other. What will help you stay grounded and clear about your needs when speaking with your baby’s dad? Is there a measurable piece you want to see from him on weekends, such as taking a family walk or playing with the baby so you can do something for yourself? Can you invite him to brainstorm tasks that bring you closer together on weekends while remaining productive if that’s important to him? Things like running errands together or doing a home project while the baby naps? Having concrete examples of what you want to see differently from him will help things shift direction, hopefully in ways that benefit you both!

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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.