Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: July 22, 2022
Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My baby boy is three weeks old and my breastfeeding experience is making me miserable. I was instructed to do triple feeding to get my production up, and it feels like my entire day is filled with pumping, cleaning bottles, and breastfeeding 20 minutes each side. I’m exhausted! Not only that, but my nipples are cracked and painfully sore and I’m not even sure it’s upped my milk supply at all. Sometimes I feel like I could burst into tears just thinking about it. My mother is an advocate for breastfeeding, making comments on how special it is and how important it is for my boy. I don’t want to let her down but I’m feeling like breastfeeding isn’t doable me long term. Am I a failure?
-Sore and Sad
Hi Sore,
I’m sending you all my sympathy for unhappy boobs. So many women are relating to you right now! I think it’s important to recognize the variety of reasons women choose or don’t choose to breastfeed or bottle feed. It sounds like your experience has been unbelievably stressful, and after following the directives of your professionals, you aren’t seeing the results you had hoped. This added stress can negatively impact your production, not to mention the pressure you are feeling from your mom to keep going. A next step would be to consult your lactation professionals on alternatives to see what your options might be. Then you can choose to communicate your decision to your mom by emphasizing how much it would mean to you to have her support. You can also convey how your decision is backed by your professionals in the best interest of your mental health. Delivering your decision with confidence can go a long way to communicating boundaries with loved ones who have opinions on how you should proceed. Good luck!
Hi Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My spouse is driving me nuts! After being forced to stop nursing due to medical reasons with our first child, she is adamant that I keep up my milk production for our second. As a same sex couple, we have each experienced pregnancy to birth our two kids and want to build meaningful connections with them as they grow. This, for my wife at least, means breastfeeding as long as possible. While I’m not opposed to this, her constant questions about my milk supply and her handing me lactation tea at every meal is getting old. I’m feeling the pressure to meet her expectations of nourishing our second child. How do I express how I feel to her without hurting her feelings? I want to remain sensitive to the fact that her breastfeeding journey was cut short, but I’m also starting to feel resentful of the pressure she’s placed on me.
-Pressured to Please
Dear Pressured,
I can tell that you are trying to be thoughtful to your spouse and yet the stress of mapping out your milk production has taken it’s toll on you emotionally. What is most important for her to hear from you? Pinpointing the key takeaway in a difficult conversation can keep us on track when we are sharing how we feel. How does your growing resentment shift, if at all, when you think about her love language? Is the lactation tea an expression of her care and devotion to you and your second child? How can her efforts be adjusted, such as letting you make your own tea or sharing an app of your milk records rather than feeling the responsibility of presenting those facts to her each day. If this idea still feels stifling, is there something she can do differently that can be offered instead? By identifying your key message and having a suggested alternative for her to consider, the conversation has the potential to feel more collaborative than critical.
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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.
