Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: July 15, 2022
Dear Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My husband and I are currently pregnant with our first child and have been attending classes to learn more about labor and delivery and bringing baby home. One of the topics that was brought up in class was the option of having a doula. I found myself interested in the possibility of having one, knowing they could be an added support in my labor and delivery process because frankly, I have a low pain tolerance and am scared about how it will go. My spouse, on the other hand, thinks having himself in the room plus the nurses should be enough. I know he meant it as reassurance that he can handle things, but my anxiety has me thinking a doula couldn’t hurt. How do I advocate for myself on this without hurting my husband’s feelings or giving him the message that I don’t trust him to be enough?
-Anxious and Pregnant
Hi Anxious,
Giving birth is a big deal, so I can understand why you are feeling unsure and worried about how it will look for you! The first thing to confirm, if you are planning to give birth in a hospital or medical center, is if you can have two support persons in the room with you on your big day. If so, does that help this conversation with your husband in him knowing his position as primary support person is not in jeopardy? Is there more he would want to know about a doula to consider one as part of your birth plan? Sometimes doulas offer a free consultation call to share more on what they are able to offer, emphasizing their role as an advocate and resource person to keep mom and baby comfortable throughout the process. What other elements can your husband help with that would improve your confidence in the process? It sounds like having a doula would reduce some of the anxiety you are feeling about labor and delivery, so perhaps emphasizing this piece in the conversation with your husband could be helpful. Additionally, if he were to realize that a doula serves as respite for tired and stressed partners who might need a break in the long laboring process, this might be appealing to both of you as first time parents!
Hi Mommy Wants Mayonnaise,
My boyfriend and I just learned we are pregnant and that I’m six weeks along! We are both excited which means he wants to tell everyone right away, even though I recall it’s better to wait until I’m out of the first trimester. I don’t want to dampen his happiness by mentioning miscarriage, but I’d rather wait before telling everyone. Am I being too negative about something that should be joyful for both of us?
-Delayed Happiness
Hi Delayed,
First off, congratulations! It sounds like you want to allow yourself just as much excitement as your boyfriend, but have also heard to be cautious. In honor of both your wishes, is there a compromise worth pursuing, such as telling one or two trustworthy folks who can share in your joy without sharing it with others? Is there a certain number of weeks you both want to see the pregnancy achieve before giving the green light to share? This decision–and the adventure it represents–is totally up to the two of you. Hopefully you can decide together on when the time is right!
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Khara is a Licensed Mental Health/Financial Therapist and mom in Denver, Colorado. This column is meant for educational purposes only and does not represent advice or replace a trained professional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. If you are struggling with your mental health, please dial 988 to talk with a trained professional.
