Let’s Quit the Pain Olympics

The biggest and baddest pain always wins. Older generations have described this phenomenon as “one-upping someone.” Having the last word. Monopolizing. Overshadowing. Comparing our pain to that of someone else and assuming it wins over theirs.

It goes something like this:

Jill noticing her friend Jane looks upset.

Jill: What’s going on Jane, you look upset.

Jane: My boyfriend of four years just broke up with me. It felt like it came out of nowhere. I’m devastated and don’t know what to do.

Jill: Wow, that sucks. But hey, at least you didn’t catch him cheating. My old boyfriend Charlie was cheating on me and I didn’t even know it! I walked into our apartment after work to find him with someone else. Can you believe it?

Jane internally sighs and has to now hold space for Jill’s sharing. Jill proceeds to share her experience of being hurt with gusto. However, Jane is still in pain over the breakup and added pain due to being overshadowed by Jill.

Brene Brown, when describing empathy versus sympathy says that our empathy reaction should never start a sentence with “at least.” At least you have a job. At least you have a family. At least you can continue to date and find someone new. This surface level attempt to comfort then change the subject minimizes the person in pain’s experience, in this case grief, loss, and rejection.

The youngest generation is calling this interaction The Pain Olympics. A competition for acknowledgement and space to share. An experience where to share our pain story is met with a friend sharing their own story of woe. This isn’t a new experience. In fact, most of us have experienced this competition before. Can you recall how unsatisfying it was to be the disclosing person who was steamrolled by the listener? How frustrating it was to have the tables turned when you were trying to share? Most people react by clamming up and letting things run their course, just like Jane.

Don’t make waves, they said. Don’t call them out or you’ll have another conflict on your hands. Don’t reflect back how what they just did hurt you further. Can we break the cycle? How do we quit The Pain Olympics?

If you find yourself in the role of Jill as the listener:

1. Practice Active Listening- allow your body language to demonstrate you are listening patiently and respectfully, including nodding, eye contact, and attentive posture.

2. Count to Three- Count to three before responding. This allows you to collect your thoughts and prevent interrupting your friend who is sharing.

3. Ask How You Can Help- Asking how you can help supports the person disclosing their experience by clarifying what they hope to gain from sharing with you.

4. Follow Through- Demonstrate that you are taking their request seriously by following through. For example, if they ask for you to listen, don’t offer unsolicited advice or interrupt to share your story instead.

If you can relate to Jane as the person sharing:

1. Take a Breath- Understand that we all can react poorly when trying to relate to one another. By taking a breath, you can collect your thoughts and identify what you need to say next to get the conversation back on track.

2. Name What You Need- I’d like to vent and need you to listen. I’m looking for advice. I’m asking for a solution. By naming it, you give your listener a clearer picture of how they can help and can be present in the moment.

3. Pivot if Needed- If your friend isn’t getting the hint or responds defensively to your feedback, you may have to change the subject or redirect further.

4. Pick Satisfying Supports- Take notice of which friends or family members respond most often in ways you find helpful. Outreach them to express your emotions, feel seen and heard, and name the pain.

It’s not a perfect science but we can do better at being engaged friends and family members. We don’t have to medal in The Pain Olympics. Instead, let’s embrace the authenticity of being present for a heartfelt conversation. By doing so, we can improve our relationships, hoping they too can hold space for us when we find ourselves in a position of pain where connection could be helpful and healing.